Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
