Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
