She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
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