But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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