I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
