I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
