I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
