I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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