Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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