i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
