May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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