I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine