i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i love accidental penises.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
