just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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