she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
