i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I deserve this hangover.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
