Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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