Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
