I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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