can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am available for nakedness
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
