who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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