I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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