The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
