He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
