i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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