Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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