I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
