I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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