I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
