This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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