I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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