I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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