i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
