ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I touched a dick in church today
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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