You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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