All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
