I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
