I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
