Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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