I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
