You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
