I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
