Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
