Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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