What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
