i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
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my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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