I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
