I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
