I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
