Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
