do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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