chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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