Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
