i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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