i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
