can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
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we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
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I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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