Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
