***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
